THE ROBBER AND THE DOG A COMEDY IN ONE ACT CHARACTERS: JANE ROBBER PRINCESS: a cat (an actress with short hair in pigtail tufts for ears) ROVER: a dog (an actress with long hair in pigtails for ears) [SCENE: A room with a sofa running from left to right, an end table at the left end with a lamp and a telephone on it, a doorway to the back at the right end. To the left of the room is an exit door, and to the right, a window with a chair beside it. There is a purse on the chair. A large rug is in the centre of the room. ROVER bounds into the room, excited and running in circles. PRINCESS follows with an air of superiority, looking at ROVER with disdain, climbs onto the sofa and curls up, licking paws. Jane enters the room carrying a toy and a biscuit.] JANE: Calm down Rover, good dog. Now SIT! [she holds up the biscuit as incentive] ROVER: Panting, lays down and rolls over. JANE: No, no, Rover, SIT! ROVER: Whining, lays down and plays dead. JANE: SIT, Rover! ROVER: Gets up and chases tail in a circle. PRINCESS: Looks at Rover, rolls eyes and puts head down JANE: [Sighing] Alright then, let’s try something different. Fetch the toy, Rover. [She tosses the toy about 6 feet away. PRINCESS lifts head slightly to watch. Rover sits looking from the toy to Jane, bewildered] JANE: [pointing at the toy, acting excited] Go get the toy, Rover. Fetch! Fetch! ROVER: Panting, sits on haunches and lifts up one paw. PRINCESS: Shakes head and lays head back down in disinterest. JANE: The toy, Rover. Go fetch the toy. [points animatedly toward that toy] ROVER: Looks quickly in the direction of the toy then bounds excitedly toward it, passes it and stops, sitting in front of the door and panting. [Telephone rings. Rover slinks down low and stalks toward the telephone, growling and barking viciously.] JANE: Rover! Quiet! [answering telephone] Hello? – Oh, hi, Sally. – yes, yes, I remember, the place down the street from Marshall’s Bakery. – They’re what? – having a sale? – Fifty percent off everything in the store? – Sure! – I’ll meet you there in ... [looks at watch] ... fifteen minutes? – Good! I’ll be there! [hangs up receiver]. Rover, go get my purse. [Points to chair] ROVER: Bounds toward the toy, grabs it and starts shaking head side to side. JANE: [Sighs] Oh Rover, you’re hopeless. Alright, you two, be good, I’m going shopping with Sally. I’ll be back later. [She stands and goes to get the purse herself. On the way back across the room she pats ROVER on the head, strokes PRINCESS, then exits through the door on the left. ROVER stands looking at the closed door confused. After several seconds he goes and curls up on the rug and goes to sleep. After several more seconds during which ROVER makes dreaming noises, the ROBBER enters climbing through the open window, dressed in black with a ski mask on, carrying an empty bag.] ROBBER: How much more perfect could a guy ask for! Window wide open, nobody home. This will be an easy job. Now I wonder where these people keep their valuables? [ lifting mask up off face, looking around the room] ROVER: Lifts head, sniffing, spots ROBBER and stands up. ROBBER: Whoa! [stops in tracks facing ROVER, holds hand up with palms facing ROVER] It’s OK! Good doggy! Gooooood Doggy. I won’t bother you if you don’t bother me. ROVER: Panting ROBBER: [smiling, starting to relax] See, you’re a good dog. Now just sit down and I promise you won’t even know I’m here. [starts to tiptoe toward the door to the next room] ROVER: Sits ROBBER: [stops, looking at ROVER] Well you are a good dog aren’t you. I bet you know a lot of tricks don’t you? Can you roll over? ROVER: Rolls over ROBBER: [smiling] Good dog! Now lay down. ROVER: Lays down ROBBER: Play dead ROVER: Plays dead ROBBER: [looks around the room, spots the toy] Go get your toy. Good doggie, get the toy and bring it to me. ROVER: Trots over to the toy, picks it up and takes it to the ROBBER ROBBER: [nods, impressed] Impressive. Now if you could just show me where they keep their money around here, I’d be really impressed. [ROVER trots happily out of the room. Noises are heard. He returns a few seconds later with an old leather pouch. He sits in front of the ROBBER who takes the pouch, opens it and pulls out several large bills] ROBBER: [whistles, fanning the money, showing it to the audience] Now, you ARE a good doggie aren’t you! [puts money back in the pouch and stuffs the pouch in his loot bag] What else have they got around here that’s valuable? [ROVER trots out of the room again. More noises are heard. He returns a few seconds later with a black velvet box. The ROBBER opens the box to reveal several strings of expensive jewel necklaces and rings. ROVER sits in front of the ROBBER who takes the jewels and holds them up one at a time.] ROBBER: [whistles again] Gold, Diamonds, emeralds, rubies, pearls! Who’d have thought it? This place is a gold mine! ROVER: Panting, sitting obediently PRINCESS: Lifts head and begins to watch ROBBER: [looking at ROVER] Anything else? Silver? Crystal? ROVER: Bounds out of the room [The ROBBER closes the box and stuffs it in his loot bag. Meanwhile a crashing sound is heard from the other room. ROVER returns a few seconds later with a cutlery basket filled with silverware. He sits in front of the ROBBER who takes the basket and holds up one of the knives, looking at it closely.] ROBBER: Pure silver! [puts the knife back and holds up a fork] This stuff has got to be antique! This will catch me a fortune on the black market! [laughing] Nobody’s going to believe me that I got all this stuff and I didn’t even have to lift a finger! What a good dog you are! ROVER: Moves a little closer and sits down again. [The ROBBER sets his loot bag on the floor and bends over ready to put the basket of silverware in it. ROVER doesn’t move. PRINCESS shakes her head and jumps off the sofa, running toward the ROBBER.] PRINCESS: MEEEEEEOOOWWWWWWW!!!! [Reaches the ROBBER and arches her back] HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! ROBBER: [recoils in surprise] Whoa, kitty! PRINCESS: [leaps at ROBBER, clawing at his leg] HIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!! HIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!! ROBBER: Owwwww!! Get off me you mangy cat! [Drops loot bag and silverware, swatting at PRINCESS] Get off, GET OFF me! ROVER: Tilts head to the side, watching PRINCESS: Jumps at ROBBER’S back, still yeowling and hissing. ROBBER: [staggering, trying to swat Princess away] Get off, I say! Get off me you evil cat! PRINCESS: Scratches ROBBER in the face [The ROBBER howls in pain, holding both hands to his face. He staggers toward the window leaving the loot bag behind. PRINCESS stops attacking him as he climbs out the window. His howls can be heard as he runs away. PRINCESS jumps up to look out the window, then turns around and sits regally, licking her paws. ROVER stands up, panting, then sits down again. PRINCESS prances past the dog, nose in the air, climbs back on the sofa and goes back to sleep. ROVER circles the loot bag, sniffing it, then lays down with paws on top of it. Shortly thereafter JANE enters through the door on the left, carrying several shopping bags. Seeing the bag and silverware she drops her shopping bags and rushes to the dog. ] JANE: What’s this? [looks in side bag and gasps] What happened here? [looks up, sees window open, rushes to look out the window] Oh my goodness, I was nearly robbed! [returns to kneel beside ROVER] PRINCESS: Lifts head, looking proud of herself JANE: [rubbing ROVER’S head and hugging the dog] Oh my good dog! You stopped that mean old robber, didn’t you? Yes, you’re a good dog, you saved my things! Yes you did! Oh Rover, I’m so proud of you! You’re the best dog anyone could ever ask for! PRINCESS: Sits up tall, staring at the exchange JANE: [standing up, picking up the bag and the basket of silverware] Yes, you’re a real good dog! I’m going to get you something very special, yes I am! PRINCESS: Looks at the audience in surprise JANE: [preparing to leave the room] You stay right there, Rover, and I’ll get you a very special treat! Just you wait! ROVER: Gets up and follows JANE JANE: No, stay, Rover, STAY [holds hand up and leaves the room] ROVER: Bounds around the room PRINCESS: Sniffs in disgust and lifts nose in the air JANE: [returning with a large hams bone] Here you go, Rover, a special treat for my hero. Sit, Rover. SIT. ROVER: Rolls over JANE: No, no, Rover, SIT! ROVER: Whining, lays down and plays dead. JANE: SIT, Rover! ROVER: Gets up and chases tail in a circle. PRINCESS: Shakes head and rolls eyes. Looks at audience, shrugs, then puts head down and goes to sleep.
CURTAIN Second Place WInner One Act Play 19th Annual Timmins Daily Press Literary Awards May 2007