Chapter Fourteen


	Sitting around the fireside after eating a delicious meal of Anna's cooking, Logan
could almost forget her anger toward the man who was sitting only a few feet away. 
Laughter filled the  room, much as it had every night since she had arrived at the Lodge. 
This time, however, the air was filled with stories of Simon and Jules, and she found
herself smiling as she listened to them.  Stories of adventures in the wilderness in their
teenage years, and mishaps in college when they had both moved on to Vancouver to
study.  And Logan laughed along with the rest of them, faltering only when Simon's eyes
rested on her with a strange look.  She would quickly turn away, a strained smile on her
face, and pretend that the reason she'd noticed his look had nothing to do with the fact
that she had been staring at him!
	"Why don't we all take a ride,"  Jules piped up, stretching his arm out along his
wife's shoulders and drawing her nearer.  "There's still hours of daylight left, and since
Simon's here we could use all three ATVs and show Logan some real wilderness."  He
beamed, as if showing off the bush meant a lot to him, and Logan knew that was true. 
Jules loved nature just as much as she knew Simon did.
	"Oh, I really must sit this one out," Dolores said with a laugh. "I'm afraid my old
bones would be too rattled bouncing around on one of those things.  You kids go along, 
Hector and I can help Anna look after Aurora."
	Logan almost laughed.  She'd already learned that Dolores would refuse almost
any outing for the opportunity to spend time with the baby.  Not that she blamed the
woman.  From what she'd heard about Carolyn, the Shellingtons were no closer to
becoming natural grandparents than they had been the day their daughter had run off
and eloped with their gardener's son.  Dolores clearly adored Hayley's baby and
intended to spend as much time with her as possible while they were at the Lodge.
	“Alright then,” Jules said.  “We can take two machines, and Logan, you can ride
behind Simon.”
	Suddenly Logan became aware that three sets of eyes were on her.  Both Jules
and Hayley were awaiting her response, along with Simon.   "Well, I —" she began, but
she was unable to think up a convincing excuse not to go, especially since she'd been
asking Jules over the past few days to take her on just such an excursion.  
	"It'll be fun!" Hayley exclaimed.  "Simon, what's the trail like up your way? 
There's some beautiful scenery along there."
	"No problem there," Simon nodded.  "I cleared a few places on the way here
earlier today.  It'll be smooth sailing now."  He glanced cautiously toward Logan.  "But
perhaps McCoy isn't interested in heading out into the bush?"
	"How could she not be interested?" Dolores exclaimed. "She thrives in the
wilderness, don't you Logan, Dear?"
	Hayley laughed, and Logan forced herself to laugh as well.   If it were anyone
else, she thought, she'd have jumped at the chance.  But the idea of riding behind
Simon, in such close quarters, was cause for hesitation.  Before she had a chance to
refuse, however, Hayley was taking her hand and leading her to the stairs. 
	"Come on, let's get ready. This will be fun, I promise you!"
	Logan changed into jeans and a shape-hugging T-shirt, which made Hayley
frown, so she followed Hayley to her room for a plaid shirt to wear over top.  While she
waited for Hayley to get the shirt from her closet, Logan fingered the feathers dangling
below a dreamcatcher hung in the window.
	"Don't worry, Simon's a good man, you know,"  Hayley's soft voice reached her,
and she almost turned a questioning glance toward the woman and child.
	"What?"
	Hayley smiled.  "He's had some rough times.  He needs to come to terms with
his past before he can recognize his future, but he has a good heart.   He just needs to
believe in himself, but he's a good man."
	Logan's brow shot up and she chuckled.
	"What's so funny?" Hayley asked. 
	Logan shook her head. "Nothing.  It's just that, an old man back in Arizona told
me the same thing."
	Hayley gave her a friendly smile. "Well then, we can't both be wrong, can we?"

	Despite herself, Logan enjoyed the ride.  She managed to forget that her arms
were wrapped around Simon's waist, and concentrate on the scenery they drove past.
They stopped beside a stream that rolled and fell over a massive collection of rocks, and 
pulled up alongside Jules on the top of a knoll where the view seemed to go on forever. 
She enjoyed herself more than she'd ever expected, and was reluctant to turn back
when Hayley and Jules decided they'd been away from Aurora long enough.  When
Simon offered to take her further, Logan agreed without hesitation.  When they pulled
into a grassy meadow, rounded a large shed and stopped in front of a log cabin with a
view of a small, clear lake behind, she held her breath.  The scene was so picturesque,
she wished she had her camera with her.
	"Where are we?" she gasped, as she dismounted the ATV.
	"Home," Simon said, then he smiled.  "This is my home."
	"This!" she exclaimed, eyes wide.
	He shrugged. "I know it's not much, but —"
	"Simon, it's beautiful!"
	He looked at her in amazemant.  She was a refined southerner from desert
country.  He'd hardly expected her to be in awe of his little cabin in the northwoods. 
"You really think so?"  he asked, and she laughed as his uncertainty.
	"Yes, I think so!  It looks so serene.  Imagine waking up every morning to that
view!" She was mesmerized, and he laughed at her.
	"No plumbing, no electricity,  only wood for heat and satellite phone for
emergencies.  None of the amenities of the city, although I do have a generator, smaller
than the one Jules uses to run the Lodge, but I only run it when I have to.  It's so much
more peaceful without it."
	She nodded, walking aimlessly around the cabin to get a better view of the lake.
"It is peaceful," she agreed. 
	"Want to see the inside?" he asked, beaming like a child. Soon she was ushered
into the cabin and couldn't believe her eyes.  It was a single floor, unlike the Lodge, but
the beams were beautifully hewn and polished.
	"Whoever made this was an amazingly talanted craftsman," she said, absently,
and when he offered a shy thank you, she turned her wide eyes toward him. "You did
this yourself?"
	He nodded, and she looked around in awe.  One step, and he was right beside
her again, and when she turned to look up at him they were inches apart.  The electricity
between them was alive, and they both knew it, yet neither one could move a muscle.
Then, as if in a dream, he lowered his head, ever-so-slowly, and their lips met.
	It was her undoing.  Months of missing him, of loving him in silence, came
flooding to the forefront, and her arms encircled him as they kissed passionately.  She
whimpered, and he groaned, but they could not get enough of each other, and before
long his hands were pressed against her bare skin beneath her shirt and she was
tugging his shirt from the waistband of his jeans.  They would have ended up in bed   
within seconds, if Simon hadn't emitted a deep, guttural groan and pushed her away
from him.
	"Simon?" she whispered, hurt mixed with longing in her expression.
	He raked his long dark hair with his fingers. "I can't do this, McCoy.  I can't let you
do this!"
	"Uhh — and why not!"  The anger had returned to her voice now, fuelled by the
frustration she felt after having him ripped from her arms in the heat of passion, and
Simon paced the floor.  Bringing her here had been a bad idea!  He should have known
he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off her once they were alone.  But this was wrong.
All wrong!  
	"I'm not right for you, McCoy.  You deserve better than a scoundrel like me."
	Logan looked furious.  "There you go again, telling me what I deserve. Maybe I
know what I deserve, Simon.  Maybe you don't have to tell me, you don't have to protect
me anymore. Maybe you just have to let things go, and see where they take us.  Maybe
that's what I deserve."
	He shook his head. "You don't know the kind of man I am, McCoy.  That's why I
left Arizona when I did, before it was too late."
	"Too late for what, Simon?" she challenged him, her voice softer now, but shaky. 
She'd made up her mind, and if she didn't act on her decision now, she never would. 
"Before I fell in love with you?  It already was too late, Simon."
	That stopped him in his tracks and he stared at her, but she couldn't make out
the expression in his eyes.  She swallowed hard, and took a step toward him, resting her
fingertips gently on his arm.  
	"Carlos told me you're a better man than you believed you are.  Hayley says you
have to let go of your past to be able to believe in yourself.  What is it they both know
about you, Simon, that holds you back?"
	He took a deep breath, then released it in a long groan, and reached for her
hand.  His grip was tight, almost desperate, and she was sure she felt him shaking as he
led her to the living room and sat down, then he buried his face in his hands. 
	"I let my mother down.  Because of me, she died.  Because of me, Jules' mother
died.”
A light dawned for Logan as she listened to him.  “That’s why you went back for
me at the canyon!  You said you’d left someone in harm’s way once and you’d never do
it again.”
He looked at her and she almost gasped at the depth of hurt in his dark eyes. 
“And because of me, you almost died!”  he breathed.   “McCoy, I can't ever let that
happen again, don't you see?  You mustn't love me! You deserve better!"
	"I almost died because of Jake Zimmerman's greed, Simon, not because of
you!"
	He shook his head, still not convinced. "I should never have left you alone that
day.  Just like I should never have run and hid every time Randell came after my
mother!"  And as he shook, the guilt he'd kept bottled up for so many years, came
pouring out as he told the story of his mother's many tumultuous marriages.  He told of
her last husband, Randell, who'd beaten her when he was drunk, and how he, Simon
the boy, had crowded his siblings into closets or sheds, anywhere safe he could find, to
protect them.  And he told of the day that had resulted in her death, and how he'd done
nothing, how Jules had been the one to attack the man with the shovel then run for help. 
In tears, he went on to describe the events that had followed, leading up to his aunt's
death.  His entire childhood poured from him, until she knew more about him than any
other living person but Jules.  And as he finished, she rested an arm across his
shoulders and drew him into her embrace.
	"Simon, you were only a child.  You couldn't have been expected to defend
anyone against a sick wildman in a drunken rage.  If you had tried, maybe he would
have killed you too?  And then what would your brothers and sisters have done?"
	"I should have done something!  I should have done more!"
	"You acted in fear.  You can't blame yourself for that!  You may have thought you
were all grown up at the time, but you were just a scared child.  He was an alcoholic.  It's
a disease, Simon, beyond your control."
	"But I should have —
	"No!"  She shook him, and he lifted his head to look at her. "No, Simon.  So
many women suffer like your mother did, but the children are not responsible.  Back then
I’m sure it was much worse than it is now.  There was nowhere for women like your
mother to get help. You kept yourself and your brothers and sisters safe.  That was a big
task for a little boy, and it was all you could do.  And you couldn't have stopped those
men from burning down Jules' house either.  You couldn't have known their plans, just
like you couldn't have known that Jake would show up at my apartment after all that
time.  You are a good man, Simon Crestwater, and I for one am damn proud of you!  All
you have to do is believe in yourself!"
	Simon stared at her in awe.  For the first time in his life, someone had challenged
his guilt head on and made him look at what had happened from a different light.  Jules
had tried, several times, but had learned that silence was best, and they had moved on. 
But with Logan, there had been nowhere to move on to until he had confronted his past. 
Suddenly her words sank in and he straightened, eyes wide in disbelief.
	“McCoy, did you mean what you said before?  Really mean it?”   His eyes
searched her face, afraid he had imagined her words.
	“What, Simon?” she asked, breathlessly.  “That I believe in you?”
	“No, not that.  When you said it was already too late — “
	He saw the smile creep from her lips to her eyes, as she nodded.  “That I love
you?  Yes, Simon Crestwater.  I meant that very much.”  
	She was in his arms before she could take her next breath, and as he held her,
he whispered inaudible words against her hair before she could finally make out what he
was saying.  “These past weeks without you have been the worst time of my life!”
	She gently pushed away from him, just enough to lift her eyes to his.  “Simon?”
	“When I saw you today, it was like I was in a dream!  I couldn’t believe you were
here, in the Yukon, standing there in front of me.  And seeing you holding Aurora, it hurt
so deep inside my heart.  It hurt because I finally realized how much I loved you, how
much I wanted that to be my baby, but there was no chance of that, I’d crushed any
hope of that when I’d left Arizona.”
	Logan began to smile.  “I’m beginning to think Dolores and Hector knew exactly
what they were doing when they brought me up here.”
	For the first time since they had come inside the cabin, Simon threw back his
head and laughed.  “Damn right they did!” he agreed, then his laughter softened, and his
eyes held hers.  “McCoy, I’m so sorry for what I did.  Can you ever forgive me?”
	She tilted her head to one side and examined him closely with a mischievous
smile.  “Hmmm, perhaps,” she said softly.  “But on several conditions.”
	His brow raised, and his eyes twinkled.  “What conditions?”
	“Well, first, that you kiss me.”
	He chuckled.  “I can do that!”  he said, and his lips met hers in a soft, languid 
kiss.
	“Mmmm, yes, I suppose that will do,” she said, when at last their lips parted
dreamily.  But when he attempted to capture her again she lifted her fingers between
them and gently placed her fingertips against his lips.  “I’m not finished,” she said, and
he shifted, pulling her into a warmer embrace, smiling down at her. 
	“Alright, what else?” he said, enjoying her playfulness.
	“Second, repeat what you said just now, about seeing me with Aurora?  I’m not
sure I heard you correctly.”
	He drew in a breath and she felt his hands move slightly.  And in that instant she
knew she had heard him correctly.  “That I love you?”  he asked, and she nodded, for
there was no voice left in her at that moment.  He smiled.  “I love you, Logan McCoy!  I
think I have yet to comprehend how much I love you!”
	She melted.  She’d come to terms with her own love for him, but had never
dreamed that he would love her back.  But this time it was he who silenced her with his
fingers on her lips, for now that he had started this confession, he wasn’t about to stop.
	“I love you, and I want to be with you forever.  I don’t think I could ever stand
another day like the last few weeks without you.  I didn’t even pick up my camera, I felt
dead without you!  Wherever you want to be, I want to be there with you, even if it’s not
here.”  She gasped, and tried to protest, but he pressed his fingers more firmly to her
lips.  “I want to make a home with you, make babies with you, and love you forever!  I’ll
stop my roving ways if I have to, I just need to be with you!”
	“Oh, Simon!”  At last the words were allowed to escape, and they flooded from
her.  “I love this place!  It’s beautiful, just like your soul.  I’d live here with you, or
anywhere on earth!  And I don’t want to make you stop the work you love, stop travelling
the world because of me.  I could go with you on assignments — if you’d let me?”
	“If I’d let you?  McCoy, I’d never stop you if that’s what you really want.”  And with
that, he drew her into his arms and kissed her.  When at last he released her lips, but
not his hold on her, he whispered huskily against her hair.  “Stay with me, here, now?”
	“Yes,” she said simply, and he scooped her into his arms and carried her to the
bedroom. 
	“Just one more thing I have to do,” he said, as he lay her on the bed and looked
down at her with his eyes flooded with his desire for her. 
	“What’s that?” she asked, and he grinned at her. 
	“I should probably call the Lodge and let them know we didn’t get lost,” he said,
with a twinkle in his eyes and laughter in his voice. 	She reached for him and pulled him
onto the bed, her eyes not leaving his as their bodies touched once again. 
        “Later,” she whispered, and with a murmur against her lips, he agreed.